To solve the State's budget crisis, I would implement a serious incentive for state legislators to find a solution. I would use the La Parrilla (popularly used in Chile during the reign of Pinochet) on the backside of every elected official that balked.
I would also abolish the educational system. California had no business in education if could not bring itself to fund education. Instead I would focus the state where it did place its funds --- prisons. I would make California the Incarceration State.
California's expertise in criminality was famous.GITMO terrorists? Half of the country's nutcases already lived in California. We were experts in crazies. We would let our gangs re-educate them for the drug trade. We would take the Iraqistan out of them and introduce them 21st Century criminality.Underwear bombing? One of our tech companies wrote the how-to book and published it online.
I checked my Paypal account. My followers had already forked over $400,000 for my campaign. I would get the rest from California Employment Development Department (EDD), which owed me at least another million in unemployment. I had been fighting them for months, six to be exact, and still they could not bring themselves to write out the check. They did not believe a professional lap dancer and presidential candidate should get unemployment. I did. I had plans for the California EDD. It was take-down time.
I was just getting ready to tweet the news when the earth began to shake. I shot up the big maple tree in the backyard.
I pulled out my Android. "Major earthquake hits Northern California," I typed into it and sent it off.
Fortunately, my Android had a seismometer app. The needle was rattling so loud, I couldn't hear the birds twittering.
"This is a magnitude 9 earthquake, at a shallow depth, the ground is opening up below me."
"F%$#&k, I'm falling." I pressed send.I knew that time stopped during catastrophes, but this was exceptional. I fell slowly. Time passed and I dozed. I checked my twitter update. Looked at my Facebook page. No mention of the quake.
I must have fallen asleep because I woke to find myself floating in a steaming pool of milk. The atmosphere was warm and fragrant with an after-storm tang. My Android lay as still as death beside me. It did make a sound. It was better this way. If I was dead, it would do no good to tweet about it.
I dipped my paws in the milk and licked them. I had found the wish-fulfilling cow.
And while I supped on milk, I thought about my life.
I thought about the ghastly cost of campaigning. The fact that I was broke and unemployed. The very real fact that I was alone in the world. Where in the world was I?
I thought about my favorite quotes from the the Catitudes in the hopes they would inspire me.
"O Cato, though The Great Cat's eyes seem small and blue, by opening them and closing them he brings about the creation and destruction of the world.
"When The Great Cat moves one ear, a breeze blows fragrant with the moisture emanating from his brow. Bees dance around as though his thoughts are flowers full of nectar.
"When he moves his other ear, the world spins in the universe and the stars shine on his followers. When he licks his paws his devotees rest in the knowledge that his claws will protect them and bring them the bounty of the supreme hunter.
"O Cato, rest in the knowledge that The Great Cat is, was and will always be."
I stopped and listened. I could hear the sucking sound of a vacuum rushing towards me with unbelievable speed. Was it The Great Cat?
The sea of milk bubbled and stirred into a misty spray. My Android phone came to life. I picked it up. The Great Cat spoke to me:
"O Cato, blessed are you among cats. No matter how the world appears. No matter how dark you mind may become. Do not lose hope! I am with you always. I am all things to all cats. I am the birdie you eat. Your tongue lapping at the milk. I am in your campaign AND I am your political opponent.
O Cato, your devotion to me has provided you will all the tools you will need in the coming moments," he nodded to the coming storm that agitated the milk and was now blowing me about. I have created an Android app for you. If you are in dire need, press it and help will come.
"O, Cato," his voice was lost in the rising storm and I wondered what it was that I was facing. I held my breath.
"Who are you?" His voice boomed. His whole being reverberated like the spray of mud from beneath the wheels of a skidding car.
"You are spoiling my pristine pool." Again, the booming voice."You are not suppose to be here. Get out!," he was jacked up on something. I could see it in his eyes.
"You are thinking my pool into a tempest." I was actually feeling very mellow. I could not figure out where he got the idea that my thoughts were agitated.
"Who are you?" I asked quietly.
He paused. "I am the Lord of the Universe and you are standing in my pool. MY POOL!" He was getting worked up again."This is my domain. It has my name on it. I registered it. You have no business being here."
If this was the Lord of the Universe, we were in trouble.
"I am the creator of this world. I create all living beings. I do not remember creating you. How did you originate?"
As he said these things he moved closer. I could smell his breath before I could feel it. It conjured up images of damp basements and bloody carcasses... it has the disturbing smell of sexual excitement and fear......
It was then that my phone vibrated. I looked at the green glowing app marked "In Case of Trouble." I touched it.
"I am The Great Cat!" I thundered like I'd brought my own Creator of the Universe Sound System (TM) with me into the depths of the earth. I was on fire. I had no thoughts. I opened my mouth and the words formed themselves.
"Just as the sweetness of the milky pool is not greater at the center and less near the shore, so The Great Cat is the same everywhere. He is on the printed page and part of the digital realm. He writes in long-hand and sends his unedited tweets into the Twittersphere directly from his brain. He is a persona. He has clout."
"The Great Cat is the activity in all minds. Through him the eyes see, the nose perceives scent and the tongue utters speech. He alone pervades the whole of creation and is the sole cause of the universe. He is greater than Google. More innovative than Apple. He is the one cause and dissolution of all.The Creator of the Universe looked confused.
"Are you a God? If so, you do not belong here!" He said.
Again, I opened my mouth and the response flowed through me.
"Who is it that stores the water in the rain clouds? Who holds the stars in the heavens?
"Who has spread out the wide canopy of the sky? Who is it that makes the wind blow?
"Who filled this pool and keeps it's milky waters fed? Who is the greatest creature in the universe?"
He opened his mouth to respond and faded into nothing. froze. I found myself standing in a court room facing Judge Judy in nothing but my underwear.
I gasped and the Judge turned to me and spoke angrily:
"Does the defendant deny that he tried to blow up the California Employment Development Department?"
"He does not your honor." The Great Cat stood next to me; an orange tabby with psychedelic swirls. His blue eyes glowed. His briefcase was attached to his wrist with a handcuff. I was dazzled.
"Does he deny that he walked into their office in Sacrament with a bomb in his underwear?"
"He does not your honor," he coughed and winked at me.
"Well then he is facing a sentence of life imprisonment for terrorist acts," the Judge seemed to get satisfaction out of pronouncing the word. "What is his defense?"
"Professional lap dancer and politician." He chucked.
"Excuse me?" She raised her eyebrows in disbelief.
"He is a professional lap dancer and politician and is entitled to unemployment. He was denied a hearing by the EDD and was on the verge of starving to death. He thought either way the publicity would get him benefits or a new gig on the champagne court." He roared with laughter.
As he laughed his voice echoed out over the State of California drowning out the voices of my opponents in the gubernatorial race.
I plugged my bluetooth in my ear and listened.
"Cato, this is the Ayatollah Khatmeni," I held my breath. What did that old fart want?
"Cato, as you know your numbers were growing until you pulled this stunt at the EDD."
"Your Grace, how is this possible. I just discovered myself in this situation. I really don't think this is anything more than a figment of my imagination."
"Don't interrupt me boy!" He shouted down the airwaves. "Our poll numbers have dropped. If we are going to pick up most of the votes of the Ivy League-educated, Chablis-drinking, Brie-eating elite from San Francisco, we're going to have to pick it up a bit. Why, I ask you, why did you not detonate the bomb?"
The Great Cat started laughing and his voice echoed over the State of California once again.
I suddenly awoke and found myself laying in a pile of bills. A flyer for the Feline Party God of Fund-Raising Disco Night rested on my chest. How or what I experienced, I do not know. All I know is when I arrived at the Parties' disco night, my name was on the will-call list and I got in for free.