Experience the magic of lap dancing
It has come to my attention, particularly from comments the opossum in the back yard has made recently, that not many people know how to lap dance. Now you too, can learn lap dancing from Cato.
1. If you want to lap dance well and earn loads of money, you must be inspired. I learned this first rule of lap dancing from my great friend Carmen Electra. Carmen taught me everything I know. I just simply followed her lead and here I am today the Master of the Lap Dance.
2. It's all in the eyes. What can I say? I am an eye guy.
3. You must be strong and flexible. The civil codes set by cities usually govern the distance that dancers and clients must maintain. So depending on your yard stick, one must be able to hold themselves off the lap as well as bump and grind without touching your client's body. I suggest you begin a basic body building regime as quickly as possible if you intend to become a professional.
4. For private lap dances in the home, anything goes. My best advice is do not snore if the action gets dull. Many of your clients will be uninspiring that is why you need to develop an extensive fantasy life. If you pass out and fall asleep, you client will either laugh, sign you up for a sleep study, or worse, call the cops.
5. The heat between client and dancer can be intense and one must be able to perform when sweaty. It is well know that cats do not sweat, but my clients do. One must be able to deal with wet surfaces, noxious odors and flying droplets. I would advise a complete dry cleaning afterwords. I, myself, use Show Sheen* before and after a turn on the champaign court. My equine friends advised that if you spray Show Sheen from head to toe this will allow your fur to repel both water and dust while maintaining a health glow. Lap dancing is all about the glow!
6. Keeping your G-String on straight during a lap dance. In many parts of the country, you don't have to worry about clothing at all, but I prefer to wear a G-String. I use suspenders and have never had a problem with slippage.
7. Keeping rowdy customers in line is always difficult during a lap dance. That is what your bouncer is for. I, myself, have experienced instances where I settled into to a quiet and rather moving lap dance, only to realize that the customer was watching televised sports and wound up with pretzels in my fur! Then there are the clients who feel they must stand up when the action becomes intense. Not a pleasant experience! Bouncers are also useful in removing bores.
8. Celebrity lap dancing is preferable to dancing for the masses. Public figures have a reputation to maintain, so they usually smile during the whole effort and then write out big checks in the end. I have found that if you are conducting a political campaign, celebrities are your best friends. AND the lap dancing is cordial and friendly. Here are a few examples of the celebrity lap dance:
9. Finally, lap dancing can be very spiritual and moving for dancer and the lap. There is a purity of emotion that I feel when I dance. Maybe it is because I am neutered and free of hormonal imbalances, but my lap dances have a very spiritual and spirited quality. Another inspiration to me in my lap dancing career has been Ferinelli the infamous castrato that cured King Philip V of Spain's depression. Like Ferinelli, I use my dancing to enlighten, to rejuvenate, and ultimately to heal.
Look for my next DVD Cato Can Lap Dance. Not only will it take you through the basic lap dance step-by-step, it will also offer fashion hints, shoes to wear on the champaign court and serious spiritual and inspirational instruction.
* Show Sheen is a controversial product, particularly when used by felines as opposed to equines. Does it dry the hair unnecessarily? My hair dresser says no, but yours may have a different opinion. By entering this site, you acknowledge and agree that your use of the site and the advice contained herein is at your own risk and that none of the parties involved in creating, producing, or delivering this site is liable for any direct, indirect, accidental, incidental, consequential damage to fur, skin, hair or hide (including, but not limited to, legal fees, expert testimony fees, or any other disbursements) which may arise, directly or indirectly from stupidly taking my directions as god's truth!
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