Cato's Republic

Experience the magic of lap dancing

It has come to my attention, particularly from comments the opossum in the back yard has made recently, that not many people know how to lap dance. Now you too, can learn lap dancing from Cato.

1. If you want to lap dance well and earn loads of money, you must be inspired. I learned this first rule of lap dancing from my great friend Carmen Electra. Carmen taught me everything I know. I just simply followed her lead and here I am today the Master of the Lap Dance.

2. It's all in the eyes. What can I say? I am an eye guy.

3. You must be strong and flexible. The civil codes set by cities usually govern the distance that dancers and clients must maintain. So depending on your yard stick, one must be able to hold themselves off the lap as well as bump and grind without touching your client's body. I suggest you begin a basic body building regime as quickly as possible if you intend to become a professional.

4. For private lap dances in the home, anything goes. My best advice is do not snore if the action gets dull. Many of your clients will be uninspiring that is why you need to develop an extensive fantasy life. If you pass out and fall asleep, you client will either laugh, sign you up for a sleep study, or worse, call the cops.

5. The heat between client and dancer can be intense and one must be able to perform when sweaty. It is well know that cats do not sweat, but my clients do. One must be able to deal with wet surfaces, noxious odors and flying droplets. I would advise a complete dry cleaning afterwords. I, myself, use Show Sheen* before and after a turn on the champaign court. My equine friends advised that if you spray Show Sheen from head to toe this will allow your fur to repel both water and dust while maintaining a health glow. Lap dancing is all about the glow!

6. Keeping your G-String on straight during a lap dance. In many parts of the country,  you don't have to worry about clothing at all,  but I prefer to wear a G-String. I use suspenders and have never had a problem with slippage.

7. Keeping rowdy customers in line is always difficult during a lap dance. That is what your bouncer is for. I, myself, have experienced instances where I settled into to a quiet and rather moving lap dance, only to realize that the customer was watching televised sports and wound up with pretzels in my fur! Then there are the clients who feel they must stand up when the action becomes intense. Not a pleasant experience! Bouncers are also useful in removing bores.

8. Celebrity lap dancing is preferable to dancing for the masses. Public figures have a reputation to maintain, so they usually smile during the whole effort and then write out big checks in the end. I have found that if you are conducting a political campaign, celebrities are your best friends. AND the lap dancing is cordial and friendly. Here are a few examples of the celebrity lap dance:

• Jessica Alba
• Destiny's Child
• Pamela Anderson

9. Finally, lap dancing can be very spiritual and moving for dancer and the lap. There is a purity of emotion that I feel when I dance. Maybe it is because I am neutered and free of hormonal imbalances, but my lap dances have a very spiritual and spirited quality. Another inspiration to me in my lap dancing career has been Ferinelli the infamous castrato that cured King Philip V of Spain's depression. Like Ferinelli, I use my dancing to enlighten, to rejuvenate, and ultimately to heal.

Look for my next DVD Cato Can Lap Dance. Not only will it take you through the basic lap dance step-by-step, it will also offer fashion hints, shoes to wear on the champaign court and serious spiritual and inspirational instruction.

* Show Sheen is a controversial product, particularly when used by felines as opposed to equines. Does it dry the hair unnecessarily? My hair dresser says no, but yours may have a different opinion. By entering this site, you acknowledge and agree that your use of the site and the advice contained herein is at your own risk and that none of the parties involved in creating, producing, or delivering this site is liable for any direct, indirect, accidental, incidental, consequential damage to fur, skin, hair or hide (including, but not limited to, legal fees, expert testimony fees, or any other disbursements) which may arise, directly or indirectly from stupidly taking my directions as god's truth!

A tradegy of modern life: kitty litter

"It has been a problem for a while now. This kitty litter," Cato said as he sniffed the perfumed smell of the box in the bathroom. "What is this stuff? It stinks and it ain't from what you think!"

"Well, it's Scoop Away and it promises to "clump tight" with "better odor control," I said. "That's why I bought it."

"You bought 40 pounds of it and it says right here on the label that small children can drown in it! What about me? What if I fall in," Cato said as he executed a Michael Jackson-style dance step through the box and out the door to the garden.

"It's hard to fathom indoor cats who use "clumping clay" as a solution," He said to me as he deftly dug into the dirt shaping the proper seat from which to take a leak. "Where is the look and feel of dirt in clay? Where is the deep, earthy smell?"

"As it is, there is no other substance than dirt to do the job. It's outdoors. It's buried. You can dig to China if you must AND if you make a misshapen hole, you can dig another."  (He has been known to dig a hole to China.)

"For instance, what did ancient cats do? What did the cats of Egypt use for kitty litter? The people of Bubastis were unlikely to require their cats to use a box much less clumping kitty litter! More likely, they had golden thrones," he looked at me meaningfully.

The next day in my in box, I received a bill for a Litter Kwitter. When it arrived it was unreal. He got it out and set it up. Self-taught cats are somewhat similar to self-taught typists -- frequently the "p" and the "b's" are missed from lack of technique. All week he worked away at teaching himself to use the toilet.

Before he quit completely on this and moved back to the garden, he did amass a mound of literature on the recent history of kitty litter. Ed Lowe, a Fuller's Earth salesman, created Tidy Cat in 1947 inspired by his neighbor, who was tired of using ashes for her cat boxes. From that lowly product a multi-million dollar industry was born.

Cato finally gave up on the cat seat and tossed it in the trash bin. Still, he knows there are plenty of cats trapped indoors who will never know the joys of garden dirt, so he wants you to know all there is to know about using cat litter in your household.