In the summer when national candidates have nothing better to do, they go to the Iowa State Fair to campaign, talk to farmers, swat flies and eat corn. Because many of Cato's relatives (the striped ones) live in Des Moines, he decided to got to a family reunion and take a turn in the Iowa State Fair Parade. He wanted to see the famous Butter Cow for himself and mingle with the crowds in the Varied Industries Building. He wanted to tour the farm implements, chow down on a corn dog and take a peak at the Fair's largest hog.
In the past, because of Iowa's early caucus, which may be over by 2008, many presidential candidates have walked in the fair parade. People like George McGovern, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, Jimmy Carter, Gerald Ford, Lyndon Johnson, George Bush (elder and younger), kooks and criminals alike, they all came to press the flesh at the fair.
This year the fair was over run with candidates. New York Gov. George Pataki (R), Newt Gingrich (R), Iowa Gov. Tom Vilsack (D), John Edwards (D), Sen. Joe Biden (D_DE), Sen. Evan Bayh (D-IN), Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), and Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) all came to press the flesh and let the people of Iowa know who they were.
"People in Iowa get tired of rubes and space holders when it comes to legitimate candidates, " Cato snapped as he was forced to stand around with Newt Gingrich and George Pataki; both waiting for a photo op with the Pork Queen. "I haven't seen this many losers since I made a guest appearance on America's Top Model."
He announced to the media that he was at the fair to have a good time and eat some cotton candy. When informed that Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) would not be attending the fair this year, he was visibly aggravated. He snapped at the media and was heard to say (was the mike open deliberately or not is still a matter of speculation) that he was at the fair to face off "with the damn broad."
He did announce that he planned to clear the playing field by November. "This group of jokers couldn't win an election for prom queen," he told members of the national press as he tested out the substantial lap provided by the Pork Queen. Seated in the young girl's overly warm lap (it was in the 90s that day) he was seen to wipe his brow (cats do not sweat) and brush the folds of pink taffeta away from his whiskers before declaring "Hillary is the only opposition I have and I expect to take her out in early 2007!"
When asked by reporters why Hillary is his focus, he responded: "Her stand on Iraq. The fact that she didn't have Bill neutered when the Monica Lewinsky scandal hit and the fact that I don't think she understands health care at all. We cannot have any more Presidents who do not understand health care!"
After addressing the press he toured the Butter Cow and posed for Duffy Lyon, who is putting the finishing touches on the butter cat to be shown at the upcoming Feline Party of God conference in Bogota. "She's very good and captured a complete likeness of me down to the pants."
Touring the Avenue of Breeds, Cato stopped to chat up the champion swine Crinkles. The two talked about the Great Cat and the Feline Party of God as well as pork futures. Crinkles promised Cato that he would make a stop in Bogota, during the Latin American lap of his world tour as champion hog, for a sit down to discuss his potential as running mate. Unfortunately, neither had anticipated that he would be sold at auction the next day! On learning of his demise, Cato said: "More potential vice presidents are eaten by Iowans than in any other state, it is a travesty!" Then he headed for the midway for a corn dog and a ride on the ferris wheel.
Comments