"Take Real Madrid and former Manchester United star footballer, David Beckham. When people follow him in a celebrity magazine, they are not, by and large, interested in the human being with the name David Beckham. Rather, they are interested in the media icon, the freely-available public face, the thing with which the wider community has a relationship: this is the brand."
"Celebrity Branding: Not as glamorous as it looks" by Chris Gannell and Ruwan Jayawardena
Jackie Collins mentioned that David Beckham was moving to the LA Galaxy, I wasn't sure what she was talking about. I had never heard of the LA Galaxy.
But I had heard of David Beckham. I'd seen his pajama bottoms ads. "Quite a fellow," I thought, "he can wear pants without trouble (unlike me) quite a talent." I had no idea he was a sportsman, much less a soccer player. "Oh, honey," Jackie said. "He is quite a player and his wife will have to watch out for predators when they move to LA." Being a predator, I was intrigued.
His celebrity also sparked my imagination. Here was an icon. Here was a celebrity with great brand --something I had been striving to achieve with my presidential campaign. Now, I am not a fan of cold calling, but I knew a fellow that knew a fellow....to make a long story short, I came up with a phone number and talked my way into a meeting.
We got together in Madrid in a little grill near the Bernabeu stadium. I recognized him right away. After we shook hands, I realized I could not understand a word he was saying; his accent was incomprehensible. After several minutes of pantomime and a bout of passing notes back and forth, we came to an understanding. Affable, quick and charming are the words I would use to describe David. Quite the gent, all in all. Here is what I learned about branding from the master:
"First you must define exactly what it is you have to offer. What is your core essence? You are not just a cat, nor are you just a presidential candidate. You are a nonhuman that thinks capably about the human species in a way that humans cannot. You are a global thinker. You realize there is a world out there, unlike many of our current and past presidential candidates.
You are global thinker, but with a predatory spin. You have the experience of eating raw flesh, and yet you have a refined palate. You are able to enjoy a '71 Petrus and talk about it knowledgeably while dining on a small bird or mouse.
"You are neutered, thus you completely understand the biological roots of many human foibles, including war. You have retractable claws. The human race has not seen a candidate like you. Consider your visionary qualities. You are an artist in the realm of statecraft. You sit in your enemy's lap and purr, is that detente or what? For god's sake, you are the only candidate that is a professional lap dancer and still you appear warm and cuddly --not unseemly or dirty.
"So, now we must figure out who would vote for you and then refine your image to appeal to this group of individuals. To appeal you must look as good on TV as you do on paper. You combine all the great qualities of the Siamese breed with the common touch of a striped, short haired cat. You are photogenic and well-spoken. You do need to drop some weight, however, or you will appear twice your size on TV.
"Let's look at your other features. Neutering will be at once repugnant to American voters, and an object of fascination. I should think that you should first look for an audience that looks on purity as a positive feature for a presidential candidate to have. Those that believe in sin and redemption. A religious audience will look on your neutered state as positive perhpas priestly. You are untainted by sex. We could further divide this group into Catholics, Methodists and maybe Lutherans, but let's not eliminate anyone yet.
"Because you have tasted raw flesh and crave it, you should look for those that are interested in fetishes. You also lap dance so we should look among those who crave thrills without attachment. Those voters who enjoy and indulge in pornography regularly. This is about In 80 percent of the male population -- cutting across all social strata. So let's say you begin to wear pants, just a little, and emphasize your metrosexual qualities. You become the 'pure' fetish for the sake of your campaign. You eat flesh, you don't fuck it. It's like you are the animal star on all those nature channels on television. You are the embodiment of Animal Planet. This category takes in a whole other population of voters -- the conservationists. Man, you've got it happening all over and we haven't even addressed your cuddly side -- the Hello Kitty vote.
"At this point, we have to turn, albeit briefly to your competition. While the field is full, there is no candidate that can stand up to your talents. Let's just take lap dancing for example. You have refined your technique over years of lap sitting for pleasure. You purr....can you imagine Hillary Clinton sitting in Donald Trump's lap purring? You shift positions exquisitely, particularly if you encounter a bony seat. You have learned to deal with the fat lap and the breast shelf. You have learned to dodge the sweaters and the clammy hands. You use your claws to cool down a lap dance that has gotten too "hot." My God, you have your own portable champaign court (sometimes called a VIP lounge). You are the consummate lap dancing candidate, you have no competition!
"Now we turn to the benefits of your presidency. In the forefront is your ability to guide Americans in self-reflection, particularly on the war in Iraq. You have direct experience in combat. You kill your prey; then you eat it. You will have the vote of every NRA member in America!
"Let's look at your ability to deal with international conflict. What candidate can bring the heads of Arab nations into his own portable champaign court and lap dance his way to detente? Your charm is as as soft as your fur. You are cuddly. You are cute. Those qualities coupled with your claws, evil, glassy stare and your thrashing tail will help you persuade those jokers that enough is enough. Time to join the 21st Century and put in indoor plumbing.
"The biggest drawback to your campaign will be your intelligence. Americans are the most ill-educated, anti-intellectual lot in the world. You are going have to emphasize you humble beginnings. You father's abandonment of your family. Growing up in a bread bowl on a kitchen table. You will need to talk about monster trucks, the cultivation of corn and NASCAR racing. Americans are more likely to elect a likable idiot and you must appear to be one.
"So here is your positioning statement. "Vote for me. I am the candidate who is likable enough to sit at the kitchen table with you and talk about your family. I am so likable that I can sit in your lap and keep you warm in the winter. Not only am I warm and comfy, but I am pure because I am neutered. Because I am neutered, I am objective and can make decision based on facts and sound financial judgement. Because I am objective, I will not take your children's future down a financial and environmental hole. Because I am pure, I can sit on the lap of our evil enemies and tame their dark hearts and bring them into the light. Because I am part-Siamese, I am vocal. I speak my mind and I insist there be peace in the neighborhood. Because I have claws, I can enforce peace quickly and with finality. Because I have claws and move with lightening speed, I can feed myself. Because I am feline, I am a creature of nature. I am exciting. I am self cleaning.
"Take these ideas. Refine them a little and then put out a simple statement. You should also take some time to develop a logo and color that will express who you are and what your presidential candidacy is about."
Before we parted for the day, David offered to let me sit in his lap. An indescribable experience. What a man. What a player. What a lap!
Cato,
That's the best campaign statement I've read in ages. You've got my vote! Oh, wait, I'm told that cats don't have the vote. Rats! What are you going to do about enfranchising our species?
P.S. You should submit this to the Carnival of Satire.
Posted by: Aloysius | February 08, 2007 at 07:40 AM