A summer of reading Nancy Drew books

It was 103 degrees when I heard the package hit the dusty floor of the porch. I was laying in a pool of sweat waiting for the sun to go down. Immediately a chill went through my heart. I shuffled to the door, disheveled and tired. The summer was taking its toll on my body. Calistoga had turned into a mini-hell on the 4th of July and I wanted an escape. But there was no where to go. My fate had been sealed.

The Feline Party of God Convention in Cartagena had not gone as I had  planned. After my presidential speech was met with a wall of applause, I thought I would be elected the party candidate by unanimous acclaim, but this was not to be. The Ayatollah Khatmeini met me in my hotel room after the hall was empty and the echoes of cheering had died.

"No cat can represent the Feline Party unless they are a true hero," he said somberly to me as he  licked his paw. "You have not proved yourself yet. Go home and wait until the next time."

I wept after he left. I had spent so much time and money to gain the support of my fellow Felidae that I cried out in frustration. I left Cartagena humiliated and defeated.

My campaign manager tried to comfort me, but I was alone in the world and she could not plug the hole in my heart. When I feel depressed, I travel to the old country to visit my babushka and take the waters at Karlovy Vary. But this time I had no money to travel. I was like a high school kid whose friends had all gone to camp. I was faced with a summer of reading Nancy Drew books.

Suicide was on my mind.

I picked the package off the floor. It was heavy. I heaved it through the door and ripped the paper off. Along with the IED belt-- a lovely patent leather jobby that just fit around my waist-- was my ticket to Washington D.C. and a note. "You know what you must do. Do it and you are assured a place in paradise. You will be the eternal hero of the world order of felines." It was signed by the Ayatollah.

I felt sick as I sat in my seat. Was it the plane or just the circumstances, I wasn't sure. The plane rumbled in time to a thunderstorm that was lighting the sky outside my window. It swayed back and forth. I would go down in history as the only Jihadi presidential candidate in the 2008 campaign. What a thrill.

That the Ayatollah was the leader of the party was no doubt, but he was a fossil -- out of touch with the younger generations. We were new kitties not at all like the old kitties. The Feline party, led by the younger generation could take care of itself. We could and would be elected to take office and serve right beside the human race.

But the Ayatollah believed that George Bush had failed utterly and had stepped over the line. "Democracy is at stake," he said. "We cannot wait until the next election." I could not persuade him that most Americans were content to let democracy play out.

"I have no patience with this man," the Ayatollah said. "He must leave office or the Felidae will help him leave it." I could have argued with him, but I could see that he was set in his way and I was just a tool to make things happen.

I believed strongly in the election process. I sighed. The storm raged outside my window.

There is a large gulf between suicide and martyrdom.  The West looks at the suicide bomber and sees a mentally deranged, yet innocent, individual who is used by a radical group as a means to gain publicity for its cause and to terrorize its enemies. 

Those who believe in holy wars look at martyrdom as the ultimate sacrifice. I was about to bridge this gulf between suicide and martyr with my body. I had to find a way out of this test alive.

Now, you may wonder why I would consider the Ayatollah's request at all? There was the matter of loyalty to the leading priest of the Felines. And the fact that when I was young, The Great Cat told me he expected me to obey the Ayatollah Khatmeini no matter what. He said there would be a time when I would doubt the Ayatollah's leadership. "If you do not obey," he said," you will come to no good at all." Then he fixed me with a fierce stare. Now was the time to heed these words.

I was calm when I walked into the White House. No one noticed me. I came in through the Rose Garden door after making a pit stop just outside. I felt the occasion demanded it and, if my body was blown to bits, I knew the secret service would be able to identify me from my scat. If I was to be disembodied,  I wanted the whole world to know who wore the deadly IED concealed in a patent leather belt.

The door to the Oval Office is heavy and it was shut tight. I struggled with the handle for several seconds and then quietly slipped inside. He was sitting at the desk, he leaned on his hand, the fingers obscuring his face. My throat felt dry as I fingered the trigger of the belt. It was now or never. Suddenly he took his hand away from his face and I froze in shock.

Was it my twin? My mind reeled and I stumbled making enough noise to alert security.  I pressed the button. Time slowed down and I waited to be vaporized. I waited and nothing happened. The Great Cat looked at me and smiled.

"My son, you did it. You didn't hesitate. You have passed the first test for Feline president. I am proud of you my dear kitty cat," he purred this last sentence out. His voice made me feel light, composed and refreshed.

"The Great Cat's form is deceptive," he purred again for my benefit and I fell into a swoon. Oh, how I loved him at that moment.

"More than anything you must realize that devotion to the supreme is single-minded and sublime. It is the bliss of the play of kitty consciousness that you have achieved. What is real, Cato? O, Cato am I you? Are you me? Are we the same?"

"We are one," I whispered and found myself sitting at the presidential desk in the Oval Office. The carpet on the floor was one I had designed. The sun rose behind me and I thought about the American people and their beloved cats.

As I mused on the puzzle The Great Cat had set for me, I lost track of time. Only later did I realize it would be wise to leave the Oval Office undetected. I removed my patent leather belt and left it on the chair.

Editor's note:The full picture should be viewed by clicking on the thumbnail.

Comments

[Aloysius]

You had me on the edge of my seat with this one, Cato! I'm really glad it was only a test and that you're still in this world.