I am proud to stand here on the podium with this wonderful group of feline candidates for President of United States. This is a group of erudite, handsome and politically astute kitties willing to step forward and lead. We are all here because we have become disgusted with politics as usual. We are all here because we are civic-minded cats, who feel that change is in the air and we want to bring new ideas and passion to the political life of the nation.
I stand before you because I have a dream. I grew up on a modest farm, employed as a barn cat. My lot in life seemed to be set, except, I had a dream. And my dream was to better myself and become as great as Alexander. Now I know this seems quite fanciful. But dreams cannot be denied. I set out on a course of study to find out what made Alexander great. But I soon realized that the era of Alexander was gone. The time when war after war to conquer another race had past. The era when it was right to eradicate those who practice a different religion no longer existed. The century when it was wise to vanquish those who held onto large caches of basic resources (like oil) had disappeared. I realized there was no survival if we were divided. That we needed to unite in order to save our planet and ourselves. To bring the world together we would need a strong leader with a vision, a hero if you will, that all creatures could follow to achieve this goal. We are one world. We are all earthly creatures. Our goals are common -- to survive and thrive. This we can do in harmony with each other and our planet. This is why I am seeking a higher office.
Let me tell you about my special qualifications for the presidency. I am a professional lap dancer. And, while I know many cats think this is a sleazy profession, I am proud to say that I have used my skills (some call it the oldest profession) to raise money for my campaign. I have also been involved in several secret talks between Middle Eastern countries and the United States. My job? To work all the laps in the room adding real detente to the talks. My skills as a negotiator are renowned. You will find none other than me. Who else can sit on the laps of prominent Republicans and Sheiks in the same room and come away unscathed. If you want real world peace, you can rest assured I am supremely skilled at negotiations.
My platform? First and foremost we must preserve out planet. I plan to end the war in Iraq immediately upon my election. I will send the whole Bush Administration to that country to clean up and implement democracy or at least put in indoor toilets. I will take the monies applied to the Iraq war and finance innovation and the green revolution. I will ask the people of the United States to cut their green house gases by 50 percent in the first year of my taking office. I will sit with other countries that are considered polluters like China and the eastern block and work with them to conserve and preserve the environment as well. Together, using conservation and innovation, I believe we can save the planet. We must!
I believe in a true separation of church and state -- no matter what church. I believe that all politicians should be neutered. I am against same sex marriage, as I am against marriage altogether. I have a plan to pay for health care for all. My plan is to set up a system similar to the commodities market where we can all 'bet' on the health futures of populations. Employers will have a special place in this market that will allow them to gain tax credits if they help improve the health of their employees and their families. After all a healthy workforce in both body and mind is paramount to our economy. If we can trade on the future of pork bellies, why can't we trade on the future health of populations (read more). I believe that all dogs belong on the back porch. As to the high cost of gas -- I have had several bad episodes of gas and have lost friends. Because of this, I have sworn off Friskies Mixed Grill.
Questions from the audience:
1. What would you do to ensure the safety of our food supply?
This year Congress had the opportunity to do something about our food supply and failed. I am talking about the failure to pass a food bill rather than a factory farm subsidy bill. There were two provisions in this bill that would have affected the quality and quantity of our food. First, birds are dying off in large numbers because of habitat erosion. This year's farm bill would have encouraged farmers to set aside marginal lands for wildlife habitat and provided incentives for them to do this. If there are no wild birds in the future what will we eat?
Second, the problem of tainted manufactured foods. I have several friends who died in the most recent episode of deadly food additives from China mixed in cat food. In 2002 the COOL act was passed, which would have forced purveyors of foods from around the world to place country of origin labels on foods fit for human consumption. These foods included meat, seafood, fruit, vegetables and peanuts. The law has never been enforced. The recent farm bill would have required the federal government to enforce the law. I feel it would have been only a matter of time before all foods, not just human food, would have received labels with the country of origin on the package giving shoppers the choice to buy or not to buy foods manufactured in China (more of my views on the farm bill). In addition to these two provisions that failed to pass Congress, I feel that foods from China should be banned until that country has in place a system of laws that will punish those who seek to profit by deception. If I am elected, I would enforce the ban and would also set up site inspection of all pet food manufacturers. Substandard practices cannot be tolerated and will not. We can do better to monitor foods that we eat and we must!
2. Should there be alternative temperature-taking methods instead of up your booty?
Like the mammogram, which my campaign manager has likened to having your boobs shut in a refrigerator door, there is a fundamental problem with the thermometer up the butt. There is a lack of innovation and understanding of the problem on the part of our keepers. I know, I myself struggle with the problem when faced with a vet visit. First I have to stand on the wobbly scale and then suddenly the long cold tube is shoved up my hind end. The whole ordeal is just a bit too much to face. I propose to give a prize, much like the Nobel Peace Prize, during the first year of my presidency. The award would be for innovation, comfortable and convenient design to measure the temperature of the feline body. If I am elected, I would be the first to test out the winning design.
3. What's your position on the 'vishus deer menniss' and what do I plan to do about it?
At first this question stumped me. There are no deer in my neighborhood. As it happens the Napa Valley has plenty of wild places for deer to run, consequently they do not run through my neighborhood. We do have skunk, raccoons, opossum, bobcats and bear, but no deer -- much less of the vicious kind. At first I thought this was a joke I was not getting. After all, I have lived among horses (another herd animal) and felt right at home with them. Because I have lived outdoors all my life, I thought perhaps it was a reaction of those cats that live indoors who do not know the wide spectrum of wild animals that haunt the night -- some pleasant and not so pleasant. Because I am outdoors with these folks, I have come to an understanding with most. I spend splendid evenings with opossum (these are marsupials the primitive forerunners of the placental mammals) hanging out and chatting. I have an understanding with the young skunk that comes to our pond. He is a silly creature that frequently forgets I own the yard. I have found that if I simply roll on my back and invite him in for a sniff of my belly, he suddenly realizes that if he were to do that he would be sliced to pieces. Instead he makes some excuse that he must be elsewhere immediately (this technique works well with dogs also). As for the raccoons, I look down on them from the roof, if at all possible. But deer? I had to turn to the encyclopedia for a little information. I am here to report deer are herbivores (they only eat plants) and felines are not plants. If you think about it, we are predators (we are, however, much smaller than deer) and should have the dominant role in the relationship. Then it struck me, it is the amount of time that kitty keepers were spending with the vicious deer. Vicious deer were vicious simply because they were getting treats and kitties were not. I propose a ban on feeding vicious deer at all. Any human that does so and deprives a cat of treat will be jailed for 10 years during my term in office.
Skeezix is hosting the first ever Presidential Debates. Scoot on over to his site for the rest of the candidates answers.
