Cato's Republic

Diary of a pet psychic

Type the words 'pet psychic' in a search engine and you get a load of links to huge number of people conducting what they say are psychic readings for people's pets. There is a whole industry out there that I never realized existed.

Sonya Fitzpatrick is the most "famous animal communicator" and a celebrity starring first on Animal Planet and now on satellite radio. She is charging $300 for 30 min. For that amount of money, she must be good. Well of course, she has a British accent and American's will buy anything if it is well packaged.

Most Gifted Psychics communicate with your "pet through the heart bond you share with your animal friend." They charge $10 for 10 minutes. This is a real bargain, although I do not want them looking into my heart at all.

Karen Anderson has published a book called "Hear All Creatures: The Journey of an Animal Communicator" where she allows us "to stand by her while she struggles to connect with animals and translate their messages." AHEM.............. She charges $150 an hour.

We all have telepathic abilities or so these Pet Psychics would have you believe. Actually I  have tremendous psychic abilities. My campaign manager is always amazed that I am sitting in the driveway to greet her when she comes home. She doesn't realize it's because I can smell food in my future.

So, in addition to my career as a professional lap dancer and presidential candidate, I have opened a business as the only authentic PET PSYCHIC available to the public. How is that for rebranding a category that has become slightly tired and filled with women wearing lavender hats?

There is a certain charm in being unique. And in an effort to remain so I have registered my domain name (PetPsychic2TheStars.com) and bought myself several Google.com ads ("Talk to a real pet psychic and get all the info you need to organize your life, make money, have sex and eat when you want.") As soon as I did that, I started getting calls right away from celebs.

Here are some excerpts from my daily diary:

January 2, 2007  -- Wanting to start the year off right, Al Gore called at approximately 9 am while I was still in bed. Although he did not identify himself, I knew right away who it was. His voice embodied just the right professorial tone and the slight soft southern twang revealing his Tennessee roots.

"Cato, we are in a global crisis. I have been working hard for many years to bring this to the consciousness of the American people. When I look around at the world, I see our leaders denying the existence of global warming even though scientists have raised the alarm. At every instance I have been met with disbelief and defeat. I am tired and ready to give up. Please look into my future and tell me if all my efforts have been for naught. Then perhaps I can look at my alternatives and take a vacation."

His voice was filled with such despair and regret, I was touched deeply. Here was a troubled and exhausted man. I put my cell phone to my forehead and concentrated for several minutes and then as if by magic, I could see his future and it was 360 degrees from where he was on that bleak and depressing January day.

"Mr. Vice President, I said channeling the wisdom of the ages so that my voice was deep, melodic and somewhat creepy. "Do no despair your fortune and the fortune of the world will change dramatically by October." Then I was flooded with images, too surreal to be imagined by a reasonable feline. How to interpret what I was seeing?

"Mr. Vice President, it looks as though you will be involved with a film where you will take the part of Jesus/Moses/Jeff Bezos who leads the poor disbelieving world into the light. It's one of those Charlton Heston epics where you save the world despite the fact that the world's leaders are laughing at you. If I were you, I'd dump the professorial sweater and lose a few pounds because it looks like this little film is going to win and win big. You need an understated tuxedo and a black bow tie. Sir, you need to look good for what's coming!"

I heard a loud chuckle and then the vice president spoke: "Cato, do you expect me to pay you for this, or is this just a pep talk?"

The next series of images knocked me off my feet and put me in a trance for several seconds. How could I interpret what I was seeing for a guy I knew who took life very seriously. "Well sir, I see you taking the stage of a prestigious institution where the Dalai Lama and Harold Pinter stand as well. You are among the shinning stars of the universe. The best humanity has to offer."

There was a loud guffaw on the other end of the line.  Suffice it to say the call did not end well, although he paid me generously stating that "what ever 'nip' I was on was surely worth another snort." He laughed at my fortune-telling skills.

January 9, 2007 -- The call came in just after midnight. At first there was heavy breathing and I thought I'd gotten myself a crank call but after a fit of coughing from whomever it was on the line, I heard a weak and tortured voice ask: "Cato?" Whoever it was had a heavy Texas accent and just a hint of pneumonia. "Hold on for the President of the United States, " the voice broke into a body-racking cough. I quickly grabbed my baseball bat, should there be a problem with the call I wanted to be prepared for the FBI. And then he was on the phone.

"Cato, are you a God-fearing cat?" His delivery was slightly staccato with an evangelical beat.

"George, I love the Great Cat. You could say I am devoted to him. To love the Great Cat is to know him. When I meditate on his eternal purr, I am cured of all fear.  As a member of the Feline Party of God, I do not fear, but adore the Great Cat."

"Huh?"

"Mr. President it is quite late, what can I do for you?"

"Well, Cato, everyone hates me."

I tried to keep my voice as neutral as possible. "Yes, and...?"

"Well, I wonder if you could see into my future and tell me what my legacy will be as the 43rd President."

Again I held the cell phone to my forehead risking brain cancer. For several seconds I struggled with my emotions. In order to see into the future one must be very neutral about the individual you are working with. I did not feel very neutral about George. I promised myself I would charge him triple the normal fee.

Then my mind was wracked with visions. It was like I was plugged directly into the future and was living it in real time. "I see you standing in front of a world court where you being tried for crimes committed under your administration. The charges are torture, torture by proxy, extraordinary rendition, blatantly ignoring the Geneva Convention -- no one in enemy hands is outside the law even an unlawful combatant -- and the invasion of Iraq. These are war crimes, Mr. President. Whether you are convicted or not, the vision dims and I cannot see the future on this.

"But there is bigger trouble ahead for your, Sir. It seems you got a parking ticket in San Francisco the last time you were there and you never paid the fine. I see you brought before the people's court -- you know they never liked you in that town to begin with -- you are placed before a firing squad and your life is snuffed out before you reach age 65."

January 10, 2007 -- She called at a reasonable hour and asked for the Cat that Could See Into the Future. "That would be me," I purred.

"Well Kitty this is LiLo and I need you to look into my future and tell me what you see."

I loved LiLO in Mean Girls, such an intelligent film -- a classic tale of love and death on the Serengeti Plain. I immediately went into a trance. The visions were highly unusual and vivid. I saw LiLo in several car accidents, some jail time and time in rehab. It all too strange. This lovely girl could not be a petty criminal and  a substance abuser at the young age of 21 or could she? I was confused. Then I was bowled over by another, much stronger feeling, there were no images attached to this.

"Your mother is going to have her own hit reality show. The show is about how a single mother brings up two lovely and talented girls (you and your sister Ali). That you both are successful is a testament to her hard work. It will be a real American Dream-type show. It should inspire single mothers everywhere to fulfill their children's dreams. A sort of Donna Reed meets Beaver with a clever type horror show. I can't wait to watch it!"

She hung up on me.

For a private consultation with Cato, please contact email him.

My neighborhood in the fall

If you want to have a beautiful drive with very little traffic and few tourists this time of year, take Highway 128 from Calistoga and drive through Knights Valley to Alexander Valley. It is beautiful this time of year.

This is Hanna Winery and Vineyards on Highway 128.

This stand of trees in the Alexander Valley Vineyards was remarkable last year. The rain has thinned the leaves a bit this year, but the color is still lovely.

Old Oaks on the Fieldstone Vineyards property are covered with hanging moss. Acorns crunch underneath your shoes as you walk through the mossy short grass. I loved the bright yellow leaves of the grapevines in contrast with the trees.

Happy rocks!

This big round rock is an enterolith surgically removed from the intestine of my friend's horse Hapsburg. Off and on this summer 'Happy' had shown signs of colic, which would quickly resolve with some banamine and hand walking.

Happy is a 17-year-old former race horse (a stakes winning Thoroughbred). After his racing career ended, he was retrained for dressage and my friend competed with him through the first level.

Happy has a distinctive thoroughbred personality. He is playful, sensitive and intelligent. His intelligence has caused all sorts of problems in his human interactions. For many years Happy would go up rather than forward. It was frightening to his owner ride him in his upward moments -- and breathtaking too. Bolting, hopping and skipping were a large part of his repertoire as he sought to defy gravity -- a part of his playfulness.

Over the years, Happy has calmed down to a degree. He has become arthritic (caused by his racing career) and less able to 'cut up' when he felt like it. He had hoof problems -- going barefoot at one point.

By the time he wound up at UC Davis, he had been uncomfortable for several months off and on. His owner was afraid he had a tumor. When an X-ray could not pinpoint the source of the problem, the vets at Davis suggested exploratory surgery.

The word enterolith is derived from the Greek word 'entero' meaning intestinal and 'lith' meaning stone. An unusually high number of these intestinal 'rocks' occur in California and the southwestern regions of the United States.

According to Diana M. Hassel, DVM, equine surgeon at UC Davis, enteroliths are reflective of the mineral composition of soil and feed materials in the region. "Structural and chemical composition analysis indicates that enteroliths are composed primarily of magnesium, ammonium and phosphate. The combination of these three elements into a crystalline form is commonly referred to as struvite." Struvite stones form the urinary tract obstructive stones in cats, dogs and in humans (although 85 percent of kidney stones in humans are made of calcium). Stuvite stone formation is also mainly an indication of infection in cats, dogs and humans, but this is not true of horses.

Happy's stone is a little larger than a coconut, nice and round, a lovely green color (with darker green swirls) and weighs a little more than five pounds. It is cool to the touch and very smooth. Looking at a drawing of the equine intestine gives one pause to think about how it slowly formed (most enteroliths take only two years to grow) and how it must have rattled around in his stomach, trapping gas and giving him pain.

Given that the equine intestinal tract has evolved little over 50 million years, as herbivores (at several points early horses were also fruit eaters) it is a wonder that all sorts inedible things don't wind up in the horse's gut. Fortunately horses are selective in their eating habits and prefer the tasty grasses to rocks.

Because the horse has a small stomach, it must eat regularly to maintain weight, maintain the motility of the 'gut' itself and keep up its energy. Horses on pasture tend to be more continuous in their foraging than ruminants (72 percent of the time in a 24-hour is spent eating -- this is higher in feral or wild horses). Stalled horses fed twice daily spend about 13 to 14 percent of their time foraging and this is where stone formation comes in.

Risk factors for enterolith formation include dietary and genetic factors. The stomach must have an alkaline PH. A nidus (foreign material providing a central core for the enterolith) must form. Conditions for low motility in the colon (caused by confinement) must also be present.

In California the mineral content of the water and alfalfa exceeded the recommended magnesium requirements for horses. In addition to this, alfalfa may cause excessive amounts of free ammonium to be released into the large colon. Bran feed contributes phosphorus to the gut. All these minerals together combine to form stones (struvite).

Genetics also may be a factor in stone formation. Dr. Hassle has also discovered that 8.4 percent of horses with enteroliths had siblings that were also affected. Arabian horses were the breed most commonly diagnosed. Arabians and Arabian crosses comprised 40.3 percent of the horses treated at UC Davis with enteroliths. Other breeds that may have a genetic link to stone formation were Quarter horses, Thoroughbreds, Appaloosas, Morgans and American Miniatures.

The clinical signs of enteroliths are subtle. Thirteen percent of horses with enteroliths had a history of passing stones in their poop. Behavioral signs included: lethargy, depression, cranky behavior, weight loss, occasional loose stool and poor performance or reluctance to jump or go down hills. Horses with large stones (like Happy's) formed in the large colon, commonly have a history of chronic colic. "Horses with the smaller stones that become lodged within the small colon are less likely to have a history of colic." The smaller stones are the deadlier they are. Small stones do not create a big complete blockage of the colon so the signs of severe colic are slow to manifest. Because the signs of distress are slow in coming, the small stones are also more likely to be discovered after they have ruptured the bowel. Once a rupture occurs, the horse either dies or has to be euthanized because of infection.

According the Dr. Hassel, the only successful treatment for horses with colic due to stone formation is surgical removal. The treatment success rate at Davis is 90-95 percent. Discovering the stones before they perforate the bowel is the challenge.

Happy survived his exploratory surgery and has managed to fully cooperate with the daily hand walking -- a minor miracle -- part of his recovery treatment. He seems to know that he just got a second chance on life.

Facts for this post were taken from Equine Enterolithiasis: A Review and Results of a Retrospective Study.

On the cutting edge of temperature taking: Questions from the candidates

I would like to say how proud I am to stand before this crowd of felines, next to these distinguished leaders of the Felidae family. I have been touched by the graciousness of my fellow candidates and if elected will seek to place each and every one in a position of influence in my presidency. Now to the questions:

Cheysuli asks:  'If I get to be president do I win your prize as I happen to know an alternative temperature taking method for healthy cats?'

My dear, I had no idea you were on the cutting edge of temperature taking. While the prize for innovation I was talking about would be mainly for inventors, I believe in this case, I should award you first prize. Because you are so intelligent and beautiful, I would love to invite you to a state dinner at the White House and have my picture taken with you when I give you the award!

Cheysuli's second question: 'You have a lot of input from other critters but none from 'vishus' deer. Will you study this question more deeply if you become a candidate (did you mean president?).'

Yes, I have already formed a committee to head out into the forest to sit down with the deer to find out what the problem is. I have also set up nationwide town hall meetings to find out if all cats are bothered by 'vishus' deer or if this is occurring in particular parts of the country. You can rest assured that I will have developed a real policy and will be ready to put legislation into place when I take my seat in the Oval Office.

Doc Halliday asks:  'What is your opinion of mandatory spay and neuter ordinances?'

One unfixed female cat can reproduce three times a year. Each litter she has can be anywhere between 5 and 6 kittens. That is just one unfixed female. There are approximately 70 million cats (Source: ASPCA) in the U. S., if 50 percent are unfixed this is a overwhelming number of kittens produced yearly. Fifty percent of feral cats do not survive one year. Eighty percent of cats that enter shelters do not survive. Given these statistics, I can understand the impulse to legislate mandatory neutering, but is it right?

Perhaps a better question is:  Should all creatures have parity in terms of reproduction? Given overpopulation of species canis lupus, felis catus and homo sapien will become an increasing problem during our lifetimes, I would like to include the human race in the spay and neuter equation. This issue must be examined closely.

In all my research on this topic, legislating mandatory spaying and neutering is not always effective. Instead I would propose that individuals who want to live with pets should take a certificate program in pet care. There is a lot that goes into the handling of cats. Humans should know the rules and regulations of the feline world before they attempt to foster one. I think all humans should take at least 60 classroom and laboratory hours in basic health care, proper feeding, play, pleasing, lap sitting and pampering. After completing the 60 hours they should be subjected to several days of testing, including hands on feeding, playing and lap sitting. If they pass this rigorous course, they will be licensed to foster a cat.

For those people who want to adopt dogs, I think a complete psychological examination should be conducted in addition to the course of education I have set out.

Finally, I do believe that all presidential candidates should be spayed and neutered to prevent the usual perversions that go with the office.

Doc Halliday's second question is: 'If you wear a collar, are you willing to wear an American flag charm?'

I cannot wear a collar as I scratch myself bloody when I wear one.  However, I do wear a small American flag pin in the lapel of my suit.

Doc Halliday's third question is: 'I would like to ask each of my opponents what their personal catnip preferences are?"

If you read a bit of my bio, you will find out that I have a sordid past (scroll down the page until you see my picture) connected with catnip. I abstain completely. I do enjoy a bit of spearmint occasionally. It grows wild in my back yard. I like to open my mouth and suck in the minty taste. It does not produce a high.

I want to thank all the candidates for their thoughtful questions!

Would you serve Bercherovka to the Chinese president? -- Debate rebuttal

I am proud to stand before you once again along with this distinguished group of candidates. I would also like to thank Skeezix for hosting the event. This is a great opportunity for the feline community to take a look at the candidates and get to know them. I am happy to answer any and all questions the audience may have.

I am sad to stand before you today and report that two months after the U.S. House passed a woefully inadequate Farm Bill, the U.S. Senate has still not been able to craft a bill at all. It has been reported that there is no Democratic or Republican consensus on what should be done and there can be no vote on anything until the bill passes out of the Senate Finance Committee. 

Termed the Food Bill by many in the organic produce industry, the nation's leadership has the opportunity to pass a bill that not only conserves the environment, but provides incentives and bucks to farmers to grow nutritious foods rather than foods that contribute to the growing problem of obesity around the world. This bill would also enforce the country of origin labeling act (COOL) and give American consumers the power to choose not to purchase products from countries like China that cannot guarantee quality food stuffs. Write your Senators and tell them you will not vote for them again if they do not pass a 2007 Farm Bill.

QUESTION ONE: In light of the  recent and sad deaths of many loved companion animals due to tainted foods from China , I would like to ask Cheysuli what she would serve China's President Hu Jintao when he came to his first state dinner at the White House?

For my part I would serve him an aperitif (I prefer Becherovka, but I have a Slavic heritage). I understand the Chinese prefer a dry sherry with olives. This would be followed by King Salmon tartar with capers and nasturtiums (I grow these in my own garden and use as an accent for salad and sometimes I just toss them across the bed for a quiet night's sleep).

After this divine snack, I would move into the main courses of Marin Sun Farms grass-fed beef rib eye and grilled Cattail Creek lamb with rosemary. As I sometimes take both raw, I would offer President Hu the opportunity to experience both entrees fresh and bloody. The wine I would choose to accompany this carnivore's delight is a 1995 Araujo Cabernet Sauvignon, Eisele Vineyard. I know this plot of land well as it is in my neighborhood. I love the soil and find it just right for a variety of uses that cannot be mentioned here.

For desert I would feed him ginger ice cream crepe (homemade) with wild huckleberries. After dinner I would climb into his lap and discuss fine food, democracy and the system of laws that must support it. I would remind him that I will ban all food products from his country unless he implements these laws and carries them out.

Just because China is one of our largest trading partners must not blind us to the failures of the Chinese Government to punish and prevent tainted products of all types to be exported to the world. If the government does not implement a system of laws and educate it's entrepreneurs about them, I will ask other nations to join a boycott until China puts a legal system in place. A legal system that provides enforceable laws to prevent the selling of tainted products that kill other beings. An open marketplace in China must not mean that the citizens of the world must fear for their lives.

QUESTION TWO: In light of the vicious deer menace question that was discussed last week, I would like to ask Skittles what his stance is on gun control?

I believe that 12-year-old girls should be the only humans able to handle and shoot guns in the United States. I feel that girls of this age have a great need of protection and having a deadly weapon and the knowledges to use one effectively is an excellent solution to the gun problem and the problem of rape and incest. I think adolescent girls have a greater sense of right and wrong than most adults. These girls should be given guns, shown how to use them and given exemption from the death penalty of they shoot to kill. I believe that the whole dynamic for girls would change if a law was enacted giving them the ability to use and shoot guns to their heart's content. I am sure that if little girls felt that deer are too vicious, they would take care of them immediately.

QUESTION THREE: Doc Holliday your name sake (John Henry (Doc) Holliday) was a known killer (gunslinger), compulsive gambler and alcoholic. His history shows that alcoholism played a part in his violent temper, his gambling; and his abuse of the substance may have been due to the fact that he was slowly dying from a disease (consumption) given to him by his mother. My question to you is this: Should alcohol be classified as an illicit drug and outlawed?

I believe that the legalization of substances that can easily be abused should be weighed against the State's ability to collect taxes and provide rehabilitation. Should illegal drugs and alcohol be legalized and taxed? Like any pharmaceutical substance, should drugs and alcohol be subject to standardization and quality control? Should this be done if it would prevent the deaths of thousands? Would the drug market become depressed if the State legalized illegal drugs and controlled the price and production? Would criminality be driven from our shores? Would prisons be virtually emptied with the regulation of drugs and alcohol? Should the State provide rehabilitation free of charge? Legislators should weigh the issues, lay out the balance sheets and decide based on objective reasoning rather than emotionality. The prohibition of drugs and alcohol has never worked. The Prohibition Era was a disaster and saw the rise of gangs and extreme criminality surrounding bootlegged alcohol. The War On Drugs has produced a similar experience with illegal drugs. If there is a solution to this problem to be found, greater creativity must be brought to bear on the issue.

For those of you who were not able to read my answers to the questions last week, can find them here.