Diary of a pet psychic

Type the words 'pet psychic' in a search engine and you get a load of links to huge number of people conducting what they say are psychic readings for people's pets. There is a whole industry out there that I never realized existed.

Sonya Fitzpatrick is the most "famous animal communicator" and a celebrity starring first on Animal Planet and now on satellite radio. She is charging $300 for 30 min. For that amount of money, she must be good. Well of course, she has a British accent and American's will buy anything if it is well packaged.

Most Gifted Psychics communicate with your "pet through the heart bond you share with your animal friend." They charge $10 for 10 minutes. This is a real bargain, although I do not want them looking into my heart at all.

Karen Anderson has published a book called "Hear All Creatures: The Journey of an Animal Communicator" where she allows us "to stand by her while she struggles to connect with animals and translate their messages." AHEM.............. She charges $150 an hour.

We all have telepathic abilities or so these Pet Psychics would have you believe. Actually I  have tremendous psychic abilities. My campaign manager is always amazed that I am sitting in the driveway to greet her when she comes home. She doesn't realize it's because I can smell food in my future.

So, in addition to my career as a professional lap dancer and presidential candidate, I have opened a business as the only authentic PET PSYCHIC available to the public. How is that for rebranding a category that has become slightly tired and filled with women wearing lavender hats?

There is a certain charm in being unique. And in an effort to remain so I have registered my domain name (PetPsychic2TheStars.com) and bought myself several Google.com ads ("Talk to a real pet psychic and get all the info you need to organize your life, make money, have sex and eat when you want.") As soon as I did that, I started getting calls right away from celebs.

Here are some excerpts from my daily diary:

January 2, 2007  -- Wanting to start the year off right, Al Gore called at approximately 9 am while I was still in bed. Although he did not identify himself, I knew right away who it was. His voice embodied just the right professorial tone and the slight soft southern twang revealing his Tennessee roots.

"Cato, we are in a global crisis. I have been working hard for many years to bring this to the consciousness of the American people. When I look around at the world, I see our leaders denying the existence of global warming even though scientists have raised the alarm. At every instance I have been met with disbelief and defeat. I am tired and ready to give up. Please look into my future and tell me if all my efforts have been for naught. Then perhaps I can look at my alternatives and take a vacation."

His voice was filled with such despair and regret, I was touched deeply. Here was a troubled and exhausted man. I put my cell phone to my forehead and concentrated for several minutes and then as if by magic, I could see his future and it was 360 degrees from where he was on that bleak and depressing January day.

"Mr. Vice President, I said channeling the wisdom of the ages so that my voice was deep, melodic and somewhat creepy. "Do no despair your fortune and the fortune of the world will change dramatically by October." Then I was flooded with images, too surreal to be imagined by a reasonable feline. How to interpret what I was seeing?

"Mr. Vice President, it looks as though you will be involved with a film where you will take the part of Jesus/Moses/Jeff Bezos who leads the poor disbelieving world into the light. It's one of those Charlton Heston epics where you save the world despite the fact that the world's leaders are laughing at you. If I were you, I'd dump the professorial sweater and lose a few pounds because it looks like this little film is going to win and win big. You need an understated tuxedo and a black bow tie. Sir, you need to look good for what's coming!"

I heard a loud chuckle and then the vice president spoke: "Cato, do you expect me to pay you for this, or is this just a pep talk?"

The next series of images knocked me off my feet and put me in a trance for several seconds. How could I interpret what I was seeing for a guy I knew who took life very seriously. "Well sir, I see you taking the stage of a prestigious institution where the Dalai Lama and Harold Pinter stand as well. You are among the shinning stars of the universe. The best humanity has to offer."

There was a loud guffaw on the other end of the line.  Suffice it to say the call did not end well, although he paid me generously stating that "what ever 'nip' I was on was surely worth another snort." He laughed at my fortune-telling skills.

January 9, 2007 -- The call came in just after midnight. At first there was heavy breathing and I thought I'd gotten myself a crank call but after a fit of coughing from whomever it was on the line, I heard a weak and tortured voice ask: "Cato?" Whoever it was had a heavy Texas accent and just a hint of pneumonia. "Hold on for the President of the United States, " the voice broke into a body-racking cough. I quickly grabbed my baseball bat, should there be a problem with the call I wanted to be prepared for the FBI. And then he was on the phone.

"Cato, are you a God-fearing cat?" His delivery was slightly staccato with an evangelical beat.

"George, I love the Great Cat. You could say I am devoted to him. To love the Great Cat is to know him. When I meditate on his eternal purr, I am cured of all fear.  As a member of the Feline Party of God, I do not fear, but adore the Great Cat."

"Huh?"

"Mr. President it is quite late, what can I do for you?"

"Well, Cato, everyone hates me."

I tried to keep my voice as neutral as possible. "Yes, and...?"

"Well, I wonder if you could see into my future and tell me what my legacy will be as the 43rd President."

Again I held the cell phone to my forehead risking brain cancer. For several seconds I struggled with my emotions. In order to see into the future one must be very neutral about the individual you are working with. I did not feel very neutral about George. I promised myself I would charge him triple the normal fee.

Then my mind was wracked with visions. It was like I was plugged directly into the future and was living it in real time. "I see you standing in front of a world court where you being tried for crimes committed under your administration. The charges are torture, torture by proxy, extraordinary rendition, blatantly ignoring the Geneva Convention -- no one in enemy hands is outside the law even an unlawful combatant -- and the invasion of Iraq. These are war crimes, Mr. President. Whether you are convicted or not, the vision dims and I cannot see the future on this.

"But there is bigger trouble ahead for your, Sir. It seems you got a parking ticket in San Francisco the last time you were there and you never paid the fine. I see you brought before the people's court -- you know they never liked you in that town to begin with -- you are placed before a firing squad and your life is snuffed out before you reach age 65."

January 10, 2007 -- She called at a reasonable hour and asked for the Cat that Could See Into the Future. "That would be me," I purred.

"Well Kitty this is LiLo and I need you to look into my future and tell me what you see."

I loved LiLO in Mean Girls, such an intelligent film -- a classic tale of love and death on the Serengeti Plain. I immediately went into a trance. The visions were highly unusual and vivid. I saw LiLo in several car accidents, some jail time and time in rehab. It all too strange. This lovely girl could not be a petty criminal and  a substance abuser at the young age of 21 or could she? I was confused. Then I was bowled over by another, much stronger feeling, there were no images attached to this.

"Your mother is going to have her own hit reality show. The show is about how a single mother brings up two lovely and talented girls (you and your sister Ali). That you both are successful is a testament to her hard work. It will be a real American Dream-type show. It should inspire single mothers everywhere to fulfill their children's dreams. A sort of Donna Reed meets Beaver with a clever type horror show. I can't wait to watch it!"

She hung up on me.

For a private consultation with Cato, please contact email him.

Comments

[Diamond Emerald-Eyes]

There was Pet Psychic on radio and most of what she say is pretty common sense stuff or designed to make human feel better. Like your cat did not like this new neighborhood, so she moved back to old one. Sometimes this happens but..it could just as easily not. Then there was one where she keep saying the animal was jealous of a new female the guy's life. BUT he HAVE no knew females in his life he say. It was pretty funny conversation as they go round and round the bush.

Pet psychic is when my Bean is going to store and I look at here and think "Don't come back without new toy for me." It always work!

[Latte]

Brilliant decision! Very good work indeed.

[Aloysius]

Bravo! Another masterpiece from Cato. Your psychic powers astound me. I'd go on, but I'm sure you already know what I'm thinking. And anyhow, my human is still laughing and yelling Yes! Yes! so that she can't type any more.