"I’m Mr. American Dream since I was 17
Don’t matter if I step on the scene
They still gon put pictures of my derrière in the magazine
You want a piece of me?
You want a piece of me…
I’m Mr. 'Lifestyles of the rich and famous'
(You want a piece of me)
I’m Mr. 'Oh my God that Cato's shameless'
(You want a piece of me)
I’m Mr. 'Extra! fecstra-licious thing!
(You want a piece of me)
I’m Mr. 'he’s too big now he’s too thin'
(You want a piece of me)" Piece of Me, Britney Spears
"Chia Pets are grown by applying moistened seeds of the chia (salvia hispanica), the sprout-like plant from whose common name the Chia Pet gets its name." Wikipedia
I lay here on the bottom shelf of the bookcase thinking about my presidency. I had such great hopes for my campaign and now it has all gone awry. It's been a dizzying free-fall for my campaign since Rudy lost in Florida.
First Facebook kicked me off for impersonating a cat running for president of the United States. When the Facebookarazzi got a hold of this news, they let me have it. There were photos of me laying on the beach in Rio my belly flapping over the waistband of a red Speedo. The photos were splashed across the front of Vanity Cat magazine.
This threw me into a depression. I had prepared a commercial to run during the superbowl that featured Angelina Jolie endorsing me. (The way she pronounced 'Cato' gave me shivers.) I was going to wait until the weekend before Super Tuesday to start the national ad campaign. But the Facebook Speedo scandal stopped me in my tracks. I scrapped all my plans and retreated to the bottom shelf.
I hate to admit that I had a relapse in my obsessive-compulsive disorder. I began to scritch and scratch in earnest. I could not stop it. I was captured on video writhing under my own claws. That's when Dr. Phil showed up unannounced.
"Cato," he said in that big drawling Oklahoma accent. "You need help!" His bald head reflected so much light the shine woke me up. "I want you to come on my show as the most spoiled and entitled cat in the world."
I should have been flattered, but instead I was suspicious."Who told you about me?" I asked him in my low growling voice.
"I've followed your campaign from the beginning." Dr. Phil was lying through his teeth!
I unsheathed my claws and the psychological idiot began to stutter. "Well actually your campaign manager emailed me and suggested an intervention."
He showed me the email.
"My Siamese cat wants me to foot the bill for his presidential bid in 2008. This is costing me millions of dollars to educate him, give him public speaking lessons, buy a closet full of suits, and set him up with eligible first ladies. He has managed to graduate from the Hass School of Business with an MBA, but he won't go to work. He says he has to get ready for the push to win the highest office in the land. He spends his days on Facebook networking and hosting 'fake' parties for his campaign. He also has his own blog and now he is making videos. If he has so much talent, why isn't he making money? I am a laughing stock in my small town. This obsession of his has caused difficulties with my friends and family. I am a single mother and my family thinks I have lost my mind. Sincerely, "
"It was a plea for help and I could not look away," he said.
I knew what it was a plea for. I pushed open the door of the bookcase. "I'm surprise you didn't have her committed sooner. I'm ready to sign the papers," I said. That's when he stuffed me in the bag.
The screams of cats are always ignored. Really. How many times have you witnessed a cat howling at the top of his lungs? Did you do anything? No one came to my assistance. Dr. Phil had his way with me.
You may have seen the segment. I was pulled from the bag just as the cameras came on. My fur was standing on end. I was grumpy and disgusted with Dr. Phil. My campaign manager, the traitor, sat next to me smiling and shaking her head.
"Yes, he is the most spoiled and entitled cat in America," she purred.
Then Dr. Phil showed a video of me campaigning across the country. He showed some of my most intimate moments on the bus -- the times when I was hungry and ill-tempered. The time, I told a potential voter that her lap was just too bony (she didn't take it well) to sit on. The time, I kissed a baby and then wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. He'd edited everything so that I came across as self-centered and demanding.
The audience sat stared at me shaking their heads. Can you imagine 250 middle-aged women with too many highlights looking at you like you were a bad cat; their heads shinning like a million-watt disco ball under the studio lights? It was like I'd taken acid. My head felt like exploding.
"You've got a real problem on your hands," he smiled at my campaign manager and sneered at me. The audience laughed. They laughed at me. The more they laughed, the more frightened I felt. I looked at their lips and the teeth beneath. Would they eat me? I began to scratch and lick. I was losing control. The hair on my legs was gradually giving away to skin. How far could I go with the over grooming until I hit bone?
And just as suddenly the feeling of panic left me. I knew what to do. I was galvanized. I summoned all my wits and pulled myself together.
"Excuse me, Dr. Phil?" Neither was expecting this. I figured they were waiting on me to cave and promise I would reform. Or they were waiting for me to deny their allegations in front of everyone. Well, I wouldn't give them that satisfaction.
I pulled the prototype from my backpack and handed it to Dr. Phil. He held it up puzzled. I had him right where I wanted.
"What the.....," he said somewhat astonished. "What is this?"
"Cato Chia Pet, part of my campaign efforts," I snapped several photos of Dr. Phil holding my head covered with little sprouts. I slapped another into the hands of my campaign manager and she held it reluctantly. Then the documentary crew burst through the doors with cameras at the ready capturing it all for my upcoming TV spot selling the "Cato Presidential Campaign Chia Pet."
I turned towards the camera and said :"Dr. Phil, I know that running up more than $2.5 million in debt to finance my 2008 bid to be president is unfair to my campaign manager. That's why I'm stepping above the fray and leading us out of this mess."
"I've taken part of the money and developed my own Chia Pet that will not only advertise my campaign, it will add income to my family."
I turned to my campaign manager and looked into her eyes lovingly. "Sweetie, I'm doing it for you."
The video crew signaled that they had captured all they needed for the commercials and left.
You may have already seen the dramatic infomercials. The first and most powerful image the viewer sees is Dr. Phil holding my grass covered head with a smile of delighted. The voice over intones that the Cato Chia Pet has been fully tested by Dr. Phil who says he bought it after treating Cato live on TV for his mental problems. "It's hard in this day and age for a presidential candidate to "get real" about his problems much less the nation's. Just look at George Bush and the damage he has done to himself and his country in Iraq. The invasions of Iraq began as an obvious mental health issue for George and progressed into an international fiasco."
"It's really hard to take back stupid," Dr. Phil says. "George never will, but Cato has done it!"
You too can own a piece of me and further my recovery back to sanity. For just $19.95 plus shipping and tax you can have my head sitting on your mantel, kitchen counter or desk at work.
But wait, if you act in the next 3 minutes you can also get the Cato Chia Pet for just $9.99 and a Cato Ab Chair Deluxe. Cato's Ab chair will help you "focus your workouts on strengthening the all-important core muscles including the abdominal and back muscles where our functional strength originates." And if you've got a big belly like I do it might help you to go from stupid fat to presidential in 12 easy steps. Yes folks I am giving you the ability to be chief commander for just climbing into my Ab chair and working your way to the top post in the nation! Try it risk free for 30 days..... if you aren't completely satisfied......three easy payments....but wait!